ZARA HAT KE!! ZARA BACCH KE!!

As Indians we are part of the 1 Billion strong community that makes up 1/6th of the entire human race. Being one amongst this billion has its advantages, mainly - you’re never alone. No matter which part of the world you choose to inhabit – be it The Mighty Apple or tiny insignificant Malawi, you can never be too far away from a Hinglish Speaking, Cricket Loving, Tobacco chewing Desi. The downside to this situation, - you’re never alone!! even if you desperately, frantically, urgently wish to be so.

LEG 1 – Pursuit of the Toilet

Fact 1 – Average Family Size: 6.4

A regular Mumbai day in the life of a regular Mumbai Ramesh, begins a tad differently from your average Nescafe mornings. Instead of waking up to a peaceful, soothing musical score, Ramesh wakes up to the commotion and clamor of 5.4 people rushing to ‘start the day with great taste’. From then on, it’s a fight to the finish, a mad race where each individual is left to fend for himself, and only the fittest survive. The first leg of the race begins with the pursuit of the toilet. Now with 6.4 people looking to use the toilet at roughly the same time, our regular Ramesh can apply one of 3 strategies to gain control of the toilet.

Strategy 1 – The Early Bird Catches the Worm (in our case, the worm being the toilet)

Strategy 2 – The Latest Riser Catches a few extra minutes of sleep and peaceful use of the toilet premises.

Strategy 3 – Knocking on Heaven’s Door (in our case, heaven being the toilet), based on experience we have discovered that loud knocking on the toilet door combined with bad singing helps reduce average time taken in the bathroom of the current occupant.

As you can see, all three strategies have their individual advantages, thus the strategy selected depends greatly on the personality of the individual seeking to use the toilet.

LEG 2 – The Big Red Bus

Fact 2 – Mumbai Population : 13 million

On successfully completing Leg 1 of the race, our Regular Ramesh has honed his survival instincts enough to now be unleashed unto the big bad streets of Mumbai City. Leg 2 of the race consists of the bus ride to the station.

Although this may seem like a fairly easy task to the inexperienced reader, I assure you it is not as easy as it seems. You see, the challenge to this task lies in not only getting onto the bus, but also gaining possession of the prized few unoccupied seats whilst ensuring that all your possessions - money, mobile phones etc remain intact.
Based on experience I would say the best way to cross this leg of the race would be by applying the ‘GET- SET- GO’ strategy. The get set go strategy involves quickly scrambling into the take off position once the big red bus has been spotted in the distance so as to enable our regular Ramesh to be amongst the first few to get onto the bus and obtain custody of the prized seats.

LEG 3 – Rail Gaadi

Fact 3 - Over 4 million people use the Mumbai train network daily

Leg 3 brings our Regular Ramesh to the most challenging part of the race – The ordeal of the Mumbai local train journey. I warn you, this leg of the race is not for the faint hearted and many a contestant has succumbed to the pressures at this point, and switched to lesser efficient but definitely more comfortable alternatives such as AC buses and Taxis.

However our Regular Ramesh is not one amongst these individuals, you see, he has a powerful instrument to help get him through this most grueling leg of the journey, and that instrument is - the much in demand, much appreciated ‘First Class Railway Pass’.

The First Class Railway Pass entitles Ramesh to certain privileges which are absent in the case of non pass holders, these include ‘a fourth seat’ (a fourth seat, noun : defined as a tiny space on a cushioned green seat designed to fit one fourth of an individuals behind) and deodorized sweat. These privileges ensure that our Regular Ramesh is well rested by the time he reaches the destination of his choice.

LEG 4 – The Rickshawallah is King

Having completed three quarters of the race, including the most formidable part, and being so close to the finish, our Regular Ramesh now tends to become a little smug. This is where the final part of the race comes into play.

There is nothing like the repeated rejections of the rickshawallahs to bring our Regular Ramesh back to his regular humble self. Persistence is the key in this part of the race. If at once you don’t succeed, try, try ,try again. It’s a simple law of averages, the higher the number of rickshawallahs one approaches, the greater the chance that the rickshawallah will actually agree to take you to the final destination.

Naturally after the completion of such a challenging race, our Regular Rameshs of Mumbai are going to be exhausted, and would most definitely look forward to a well deserved nap when they reach their offices, schools or colleges. I wouldn’t grudge them that, would you??